it is a girl/it was a girl

It was almost 2 years ago. I remember those words as if it was yesterday, "It is a girl". With those four words, my whole life changed. I was now a dad and I had a beautiful daughter. The elation that I felt at that moment cannot even be described with words. It's amazing how when you change one simple word to make that phrase past instead of present, the emotion it evokes changes everything. "It was a girl." Those are the words that are now resounding through my mind like an echo on a mountaintop. You were going to be my second daughter, Olivia was going to be a big sister but you never had the chance to live. We still have your picture up on our fridge and I look at it every single day. I remember first seeing you in that hospital, you were so tiny but you were our little baby growing every day. We could see your arms and your legs. You were our little baby. The doctors confidently informed us that you were healthy and everything was going as it should be but then in a moment, God decided to take you home to be with Him. I wonder what you would have looked like. Would you look just like your sister? I wonder what your personality would have been like. I'm sure you and Olivia would have been the best of friends. Playing with dolls together, wearing matching dresses at Easter. She would have showed you the ropes in this life and been the best big sister you could have hoped for.

I still recall the day that the doctor told us that we lost you as if it was yesterday. He told us "Your baby didn't make it." Those words play over and over in my mind every day. I just stared at that ultrasound, waiting in vain for you to move, waiting in vain for your little heart to start beating again. It seemed like hours but it was only a few minutes as I just stared at you. My mind refusing to believe what my ears were telling it, almost as if my mind had put a brick wall around itself for protection as it often does when faced with pain. Those words "Your baby didn't make it" took a long time to chip it's way through the barrier my mind had created but once it did the tears proceeded to roll down my face like raindrops down a window. How could you be gone? I didn't have a chance to show you this world. I didn't have a chance to hold you or to tell you that I love you or to watch you go off to your first day of school or to walk you down the aisle as you married the man of your dreams.

We miss you so much but we know that you are in a better place. It doesn't make sense to us at times but we put our trust in God. We trust that God's thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8). We trust that in our weakness, His strength is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9). We trust that He is sufficient and that He is our strength and our rock. We don't mourn like those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13) for just like David we can with confidence say that we can go to you but you will not return to us (2 Samuel 12:23). We will see you one day in Heaven and we look forward to meeting you but until then, we will continue to be lights in this world of darkness in hopes that through your death, God will be glorified and that others will come to know this God that we have placed our faith in and the God that you are seeing face to face at this moment. We love and miss you more than you could ever imagine Gabrielle. We'll see you again someday.